Engaged To Disengage

Almost close to call
But smashed the receiver & finally stopped.
Instead chose to isolate & not to talk at all.
carrying around a huge huge disordered box.
Made to walk,
forced to crawl.
Rebelled against all.
Corruptive measures to slip & fall.

With attached chains,
Made to serve & degrade again.
Treated like a goddamn fucking slave.
The mind too also tries to fascinate.
Determined on the will to reach the relapse state.
One more time, once again.
Self harm to deteriorate.
Don’t try to get inside my shoes.
When you didn’t even tried to understand what all I’ve been through.
I am the one to be blamed, the gulity accused.
Parents that are all over leaned to reduce.
A baffling fall to substance abuse.
In a general state of hate, Shallow & confused.

Like all over before, suppressed to nil.
An innocent creative child to be likely killed.
Maimed & slaughtered what all was left within.
Pushed towards the well, jumped off the grill.
A suicide take.
But sadly got saved.
Opening your eyes in that cruel world again.
A BIG FUCKING FAT FAILURE!!!, what my mind actually says.
Down again with self hate.
Not able to cope up with this unbearable shame.

Losing interest on what all once you did, absolutely loved.
But that is all over now just forced upon to get fucked up.
Took away a meaningful living life & instead drugged with depression.
Hopefully likely to lose a war with coming across a suicidal junction.
So now you care to engange???
what about when you broke me down, fading to self hate.
Cut myself to relief the ongoing pain.
Thankfully provided by you to make me realize I’m a total waste.
A fucking goddamn useless creature, just another negative space.
Just open your eyes for once the human you altered & Made. Totally changed.
Now i’m addicted to self destruct, it’s just too damn late.
Nothing now can get me saved.
What you did to me, after that, I can’t get my head straight.

Bam – Bam. Patient Stan On a Suicidal Plan.
Just turn back, just turn away.
Run towards a bitter friendly escape.
fingers & fist used to throw up immediate.
Staring at my left hand, I start to lose my mind again.
Lost inside the deep deep wilderness to jump the suicidal gates.
Enganged to disengange.
further inside, locked inside a goddamn filthy cage.
sedated patient all ready to operate.
“Good to Go”, doctor’s arrived, open him up he says.

In particular what all you choose,
Has made you end up everytime in that emergency room.
Doctors declare me as totally unfit.
He requires recovery soon or else he’ll just die in a bit.
Making myself absolutely sick.
I know one day my body won’t forgive.
Powerfull as hell & viciously seductive.
Once you feel the rush, the control & the adrenaline.
The high is tempting as fuck, totally addictive.
A mind corrupted generally to function all of it.
Full is the old disgust, Empty is the new Mr. Perfectionist.
Believed in it, embraced it, later felt it.
Turning out to be simply self destructive.
Despised yet again with the choices that never could’ve been satisfied nor fulfilled.
Lifeless life inside of a flesh, that is zero, absolutely nothing.
Heart slow, cold body remaining still.

Cries & guilt of shame.
Colliding together on my way.
No one heard but felt every single day.
Not cared enough to seek, just too goddamn afraid.
Later, there will be no opening doors nor lights piercing through those drapes.
The ship from the shore would’ve already sailed.
Shoot yourself if you end up in the asylum just in case.

Programmed not to eat.
Remaining sick to a final defeat.
Light headed, addicted to feel weak.
Numb out, you’re only security.
You’re only hopes of a protective safe shield.
Spinning out of control with terrifying needs.

Engaged to disengage.
Let’s fucking pick up that blade.
Carve out that hate with immense pain.
profusely bleeding to deteriorate.
Let’s begin that suicidal game.

Written by :- P.S  (PATIENT Stan)


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