The Reject

Bhassam hain sab!!!

1 – I am the cheapest.

I am the weakest.

I am the tree nest.

Of ill treatment.

Neat pegs.

Addiction pet. 

Self destruct test.

The Reject.

I am the reject.

2 – Lonely.

Why were you only?

Left with such negativity,

Collapsed heaps.

Borderline Creep.

No sleep.

No dreams.

Can’t meet their eyes. 

Can’t see. 

Can’t feel.

Hydration on low self esteem.

Relapse deeds.

A big sharp shiny steel.

Guilt to the appeals.

Nothing reveals.

Silent screams.

Addiction supreme.

3 – Abandonment victory.

What do you believe?

“A stranger” from the Joker’s philosophy.   

Traces to heal, 

Traces to treat.

BLEED…Moron, FREAK…

Bleed…

Without any pity.

BLEED…Moron, FREAK…

Just bleed.

To treat,

to meet, 

to reach, 

to keep, 

Purposefully.

Atrociously. 

Evil keys.

Of a sanity peace.

Survival grease. 

Leaking gently.

Bandaged hankee.

Still blood red, bed sheets.

Morning peel. 

4 – I am the cheapest.

I am the weakest.

I am the tree nest.

Of ill treatment.

Neat pegs.

Addiction pet.

Self destruct test.

The Reject.

I am the reject.

5 – Alienated.

Isolated.

Unfilterated.

Hated.

Wasted.

Emotions, pasted.

Red fucking humiliate.

Gather around for the race.

Another phase.

Abductive mind games.

Never stops, begun to chase.

What’s your fucking name?

Stan…you’re a big shame.

So now, MAIM.

Maim Motherfucker Maim.

Somehow, escape.

This base.

Failed.

When you’re late.

But Dirt is paid.

Of guilty mistakes.

Self Harm seems to be the only way.

Live your dark days.

But uncertainty remains.

With Slow, poisonous, death’s pace.

6 – I am the cheapest.

I am the weakest.

I am the tree nest.

Of ill treatment.

Neat pegs.

Addiction pet.

Self destruct test.

The Reject.

I am the reject.

Written By ‘Patient’ Stan. (P.S)

 

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Unfigured Disfigured.

SATI is pure.

How is this possible?

Is the main question to start with. I mean how? Seriously, this was not I was looking forward to. It has chewed me down and have swallowed me alive. The ambiguous, unknown and such strange thoughts are wrecking me. The pattern, the shapes, the structures, the design; It’s like I can see through it all clearly and understand it as well. Sorting connections. Simultaneously, one by one, a havoc, an unsolved puzzle is appearing before me which I need to to figure out somehow.
Honestly, I see her as a powerfully evolved hybrid creature, opening my third psychedelic eye or senses; like the genre in music particularly known as ‘Hi-Tech Dark Psychedelic Experimental Trance’. When I vibe with her it honestly feels like a strong rush, making my knees go weak and heart been stabbed multiple times (Don’t get me wrong, just referring to the sensations of extreme closeness, hardcore attachment to her, felt). I am a part of her and she’s a part of me.
My life is like on Acid Trips these days. It feels like all buttons of the controls have been misfunctioning, the time in particular, to be precise is like ceased. It has stopped and something deep inside me is whispering “Forget It”.It’s deep down but it’s surely there. At the same time the connections I’m able to perceive are on a completely different level or Dimensional Zone.
A very strange place, it is something most would never get it’s depth and intensity. For them it is what is known as Love. To be honestly specific, my emotions are much more complicated than that. Trust me, believe me.

When I have practically lived in that dimension and not just merely existed, ate there, got shelter there, found solace and comfort, worked there and finally did the best I could’ve possibly done in service.

But this guilt has stricken me down on my knees, thoughts such as, “We are made for each other, but can’t be together”. Realisations of being such a cold hearted human when she gave her absolute best to me.
The thing is my evil mind won’t shut off. This psychedelic experience has generated both good and bad vibes inside of me. I even feel ashamed after working my best, my words are not able to properly communicate through my poetries what I personally feel for her. That’s why I’m writing this.

A soft corner, so gentle and pure how can I express? Even my words fail when it comes to explaining or elaborating to others what the situation is. My poetries doesn’t deliver any kind of justice to this to be honest. Two pieces, and I still was not able to figure this out. I feel failed at my job or at my Art or skill, talent etc.
The intensity of these emotions has shocked me to my core. I’m a dark entity and she deserves someone who can make her happy. But vibing with her is what actually surprises, confuses and finally also gives a sense of satisfaction in me. These waves are strong and are not some transient or temporary amplifications. What if I feel this way for the rest of my life?
I’ve been getting goosebumps, nocturnal leg cramps, weakness, jitters, shakes. Most of all this has made me depressed, I can’t sleep, can’t eat, self harm urges, big time anxiety, OCD variants like, walking within a small space, rapidly pacing back and forth constantly for hours. A sick wrenching feeling inside my gut. These are the physical manifestation and possession of these emotions. These emotions are actually very raw, versatile and complex in it’s own nature.
It’s like I am in no position to feel this way for her, not permitted or allowed and held within strict rules, I’ve gone out of my way somehow. Being a Borderline is not as easy as it is just only pronounced.
(Conclusion)

The interpretation is quite intriguing for me because she’s quite intimidating and challenging for me. Can’t be pursued no matter what.

What I can’t understand are these feelings. Where are they coming from? How is it possible? And finally not even a million years.
The only thing which I consider myself to be is a dark, hollow, contaminated, toxic and evil self destructive creature.

This time unlike earlier I will indeed cross those sea shores and miles never been ever touched, to destroy or destruct myself. Thats what I’m best at. I accept that I’m a mental wreck and everything can be easily scattered and shattered. And so will I. I Can already see the doomsday Sati. 

The Psychedelic Experience 

Any connection is very common, but a soul psychedelic connection is very rare and unique. She deserves someone perfect and I don’t even recline close to that. Artwork By P.S for Sati.

1 – In unity,
We could be,

Honestly,

A singular power to breathe.

Where we could reach.

And ride a psychedelic jeep.

You’re not my queen.

Because you put me,

To a deep restful sleep.

That’s why you’re my SATI.

The Mystique.

But I can’t be,

Because I’m such a dark entity.
2 – My Mystique.

You can be,

Described through only.

Musical frequencies.

Cosmic Bass speed.

Kick stomping beats.

Time signatures that are oddly.

Viciously groovy.

Natraja beauty.

Hallucinate physically.

Intimidating perpetually.

Addictive personality.
3 – You have chewed the desire. 

But my synthesiser. 

You’ve become my drug, take me higher.

You’ve ignited a fire.

Of my own funeral pyre.

Like a flat tyre,

Now I’ve started to become much more quiter.

Like an empty lighter.

Like a Dead writer.
4 – The psychedelic experience.

You are my every reason.

But I have forsaken.

Eliminates in addiction.

Swaddled in confusions.

Frigid Isolation.

Doom separation.
5 – An Emotion.

Enlightenment Motions.

Depletions, 

Of subjugations.

Anxious occasions.

Psychedelic Amplifications. 

Biochemical destruction.

Knees tremors.

Failed methods.

To keep myself stable together.

Ashamed of what I feel for her soft heart & mighty feathers.
6 – The psychedelic experience.

You are my every reason.

But I have forsaken.

Eliminates in addiction. 

Swaddled in confusions.

Frigid Isolation.

Doom separation.

Written By P.S For SATI_TheMystique.

 

Inexplicably Inevitable

1 – Seen you’ve survived.

So now let’s destroy your night.

Don’t be terrified.

I’m just here for a while.

But I’ll molest you deep from the inside.

Where you won’t be able to recognise.

That I…

Will rip you blind.

So you can carve fine.

Parallel lines.

Failed fight.

High like…

Never mind.

I’m fine.

2 – Sometimes a bubble wrap.

Is all you have.

When you’re getting smashed.

Just too FUCKING fat.

Get yourself trapped.

Kill yourself & never comeback.

Because you’re full of crap.

A monologue in total contact.

Tolerance bursts to act.
3 – Get away from me.

How can you love a freak?

Who is ought to destruct himself completely.

Isolation doesn’t feel lonely.

Sometimes it provides security.

Inexicably.

Inevitably.

Inexpressibly.

When you succeed to hurt me.

Coping becomes nasty.

But I deserve it anyways, no need!

I’m dying already.

Get away from me.

Let me act in, toxically.

Sprinting those razors atrociously.

A wave of silence spreading softly.
Written By P.S. ‘PATIENT’ Stan.

The Quiet Borderline 

Why I’m always so silent. In pic (Kurt Cobain)

 1 – My body shakes.

My head aches. 

I’ve been raped. 

And I’m going to fail. 

Because mind maims. 

Bullied under shame. 

Severe self hate. 

Can’t raise. 

Voice against. 

Madness chased. 

Hidden blades.

  

2 – Fine. 

I’m alright. 

Just a lost fight.  

Blurred sight. 

Now it’s a constant drive. 

Ugly body, pathetic mind. 

Miserable life. 

Opiate eyes. 

Pain behind. 

Tears dry. 

Masked lie. 

But why? 

Anxious to die.

3 – You will be gone soon. 

And I will lock my cocoon. 

Where I will bleed my doom.

So don’t find me and get confused. 

Because suicide is now a loop.

It’s becoming my ultimate truth. 

And I just can’t choose. 

What exactly do I have to prove? 

I’ve failed everything, whatever I’ve been through. 

So don’t look. 

I am a burning book. 

Which will soon. 

Turn to ashes, erasing my proof. 

My existence is mute.

And please don’t look back. 

I’ve already planned my attack. 

I’m sitting with a gun in my hand.

So don’t look back. 

I’m already trapped. 

4 – A woman who tried. 

She took my mask of disguise. 

I painted a picture which she defined. 

Hate which made me defiled.

The misery I tried to hide. 

A disgusting smile. 

Saw my soul through my eyes.

Withering ride.

But I, 

Left her because I, deserve to die. 

The quiet borderline. 

About to pull the trigger…grip on the gun; tight.

The Quiet Borderline.

Who never shined.

Is now terrorised.

Afraid to stay alive.

The Quiet Borderline.

Alone in night.

Jumped down from a height.

The Quiet Borderline.

Written By ‘PATIENT’ Stan.

Meaning – I wrote this to describe quiet borderline personality. Which is quite psychotically more self destructive because a typical BPD sufferer would exhibit acting out, where as a a quiet one will act in. Inducing pain upon themselves. They get unnoticed and it’s sometimes too late for them. 

It’s story about a guy who is struggling from such inner turmoil that he thinks he doesn’t deserve anyone in his life. He gets frightened when people try to get too close to him. He just maintains his distance and avoids contact. He’s sensitive about his scars. But not comfortable in his skin as people keep reminding him to pull his sleeves down. Providing him successfull nostalgia of misery & shame. He feels things intensely and that’s why hate getting attached to someone because he knows it will be a rollercoaster of agonising pain. He’s suicidal and thinks he deserves to die.

Denied

I crave for blades

1 – I feel like.

Treated nice.

Still feeling outside.

Alike.

Dislike.

Rejected by.

Closed. Cried.

Left behind.

Pain to feel alive.

Craving it from the inside.

Denied.

Denied.

Why I Like?

Bleeding lines.

Answer my resolution; find.

Whenever I loose my mind.

Why am I?

So secretive & shy.

Softer sensitive designed.

Damaged kid lies.

To protect others from exposed pain recognised.

There’s a reason to why I hide.

I feel hollow & blind.

Can’t find way…why??

Can’t escape pain…denied.

Beliefs died.

With closed eyes.

Chosen guide.

Depending child.
2 – Mind sick.

Progression quit.

Bloody shit.

What is this???

Cutting bill.

Against will.

Why this???

Will solve anything??

I replied anger within.

Ended with.

Pure adrenaline.

Price of pain to kill.

All the negatives.

Probably best if.

You hide still.

Cuts & all of the disaster pieces.

3 – Seen it, felt it, but a cut to deal with.

Filthy shit.

Relapse bitch.

Pick up with.

Craving a bit.

Good drift.

Across the skin.

Deeper, begin.

One more hit.

Please let it.

Let me do it.

Why stop? I deserve this gift.

To become & turn so much self destructive.

That no one would be able to deal it.

4 – Relapse; Bitch.

C’mon u filth.

Pick it up & feel free if.

You dig deep across your skin.

Blood Wasted.

Insanely tasted.

Pain craveness 

Essential madness.

With cuts, drive away sadness.

Found a new neutral nest.

For the best.

Blood shed.

Loose lets…

Blades net.

For the best.

Visibly Invisible 


1 – Visibly invisible. Can’t keep his own shit together.

Whinning to friends forever.

But turning to be a mean bastard.

Always pushing off people.

Another lying filth cutter.
2 – Aggressions.

Possessions,

All gave up.

Hypocrite,

Guiding others to survival will.

But slowly giving, up all of it.

Depressed…Negative.

Don’t run or else I’ll loose & hit.

Again begin.

To cut a bit.

Inside,

I’ll be shattered to pieces.

But can’t seem to take about friendship.

Delusions of powerful hits.

Wasted.
3 – Visibly Invisible.

Can’t see his own friends, supporting, Order.

Together.

With him, for him, Forever.

Loosing to relapsed & a failure.

Disruption of his own family to disorders.

A failed perception.

Lost Negations.

Mind Surrendered.

To slowly loose & become,

Visibly Invisible.