Self Defeat

Eating Disorders are not choices, they choose you. (FACT 101)

SELF DEFEAT.
Written by P.S.
Theme – Depression.

Anxiety.

Eating Disorders.

Self Harm.

Addiction.

Substance Abuse.

(Trigger warning/explicit)
1 – Pierce.

Fierce.

Sounding near.

Smashed rear.

Bleeding ears.

Disgusted fears.

Whorish deer.

Molly becomes a peer.

Downer flame sear.
“Molly” – MDMA. Psychoactive Drug.
2 – Chem. (Short for “chemicals”).

Drug gem.

Spiral bend.

Just pretend.

Focused end.

Depths & dens.

Submerging trench.

Barbaric fence.

Failed defence.

Insomnia strikes.

Mentally blind.

Conclusions, terrified.

Roll the dice.

Pay the price.

Guilt obliged.

Pain??? Right!!!

Blade grind.
3 – Self Defeat.

Social anxiously.

Destructively.

Nervous system disease.

Eat! Bitch! Eat!

My voice begins to screech

My voice begins to creak.

Forcing beat.

Forcing meet.

Of guilt teeth.

Of guilt reach.

Destructively.

Self Defeat.
4 – Food toxification.

Fixations!

Obsessions!

Occasions!

Prohibition.

Dead ambition.

Total restrictions.

Volcanic eruptions.

Open nations.

Chemical patience.

Genetical destruction.

Dissociative concentration.
5 – Self Defeat.

Social anxiously.

Destructively.

Nervous system disease.

Eat! Bitch! Eat!

My voice begins to screech

My voice begins to creak.

Forcing beat.

Forcing meet.

Of guilt teeth.

Of guilt reach.

Destructively.

Self Defeat.

 

End the stigma. Ask a serious sufferer for a better insight on an eating disorder. For the rest its nothing, eating is just another task or not a big deal for them; It’s a war for lifetime for us. Breaking us all slowly even when we try to recover, we have to fight back. It takes a lot believe me, to actually fight the same thing all over again. It stays. Never leaves. And most of all you wonder how long? how long, like this? It’s a serious struggle. Each and every single second, every single day. To live with those voices.
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Aroused

It’s True.

Written By P.S.

Theme – Depression.

Anxiety.

Self harm.

Eating disorders.

Addiction.
(Trigger Warning)
1 – Everything Blacks – out.

Every contact is foul.

Don’t interact, with your mouth.

Destructively operating and everything shuts down.

Smack yourself against the crowd.

Of societal  nouns.

Of societal grounds.

Lowering standards of self doubts.

Again getting strong & loud.

Self Harmer temptedly aroused.
2 – It’s all about the blade must.

It’s all about the blade thrust.

It’s all about that relieving rush. 

It’s all about the deep burst.

It’s all about the guilt worst.

It’s all about the scenery of blood shrugs.

Every time cursed.

Every time rubbed.
3 – Binged and purged.

Weakening submerged.

Dissociative serves.

To body and nerves.

Strange voices heard.

They begin to learn.

Your weakest turn.

Making you burn.

Making you concerned.

Making you follow its instructions.

Vile junction.

Bile abruption.

Nauseous proportions.

Digestive food abortions.

Blacking out cautions.
4 – Helpless Cope.

Hopeless bowl.

Never been told.

How to hold?

This chokes.

This pokes.

Out of control.

But the most.

Illogically – logical, inner feeding host.

Vulnerably gropes.

Strong gripness and furious hold.

Blood cone.

Blood enroll.

Brain sold.

Cognitions torn.

Gun reload.

Trigger Rode.

Failure phone.

Of unnheard moans.
5 – Everything Blacks – out.

Every contact is foul.

Don’t interact, with your mouth.

Destructively operating and everything shuts down.

Smack yourself against the crowd.

Of societal  nouns.

Of societal grounds.

Lowering standards of self doubts.

Again getting strong & loud.

Self Harmer temptedly aroused.

Into The Wild By Erin Hunter.

Pick Up A Blade

1 – Perforate.
Circumspection re-generates.

The one thing you can’t debate.

It dominates.

It’s how they parade.

And they won’t explain.

Until you pick up a blade.

Appears like a bouquet. 

A fragrance that promises to eliminate.

Whatever you pain.

Whatever chews your brain.

Eroding to complicate.

When you pick up a blade.
2 – Digestion frail.

Of better intake.

Everyday when you make.

A promise to yourself that you won’t break.

But till evening there’s just shame.

A provisional trace.

A guaranteed provoke leading to damage.

Whenever you pick up a blade.
3 – This Hate.

This Fate.

This Phase.

What I write is what I live with every single day.

Shamed.

Ashamed.

Guilty Case.

When I will present, you won’t be able to tolerate.

This fuming internalised rage.

Toxically rapes.

Addictevly operates.  

Inside a Mind Cage.
4 – Preferring to turn to a waste.

Battling the race.

Figuratively a broken vase.

Burning concentrates.

Liquid shakes.

Blade pain.

Adrenaline craves.

Nasty marks that fades.

The Mind, The Emotion, The Surface.

Relaxed Base.

Fundamental temperament staring in my face.

Powerfully hallucinate.

Carelessly penetrate. 

Damaged, despised remains.

Anxious in my zone, in my space, in my place.

Whenever I pick up a blade.

Written By P.S

Out Of My League

I am a reject. And that’s why I’m an addict as well. Gotta stay high to keep you off my mind. (SATI_TheMystique)
Sati can save me or she can destroy me. It’s totally upto her.

1 – Like an object.

Deny the presence.

Bitterly tremendous.

Internalized derailment.

Agonized & tormented.

Disassociative measurements.

Isolatory dominance.
2 – Hate me.

Because you’re out of my league.

Ripping my skin presently.

Reject your greed.

Unexpected needs.

Down on my knees.

But you’re out of my league.

So hate me.

Hate me now, please.

Because you’re out of my league.
3 – I am potentially toxic.

Helplessly fought it.

Still it’s a vicious fix.

Tolerating the hits.

Fading the nasty bits.

I am too ugly & shame filled.

I can’t be fit.

So let me quit.

Wasted drifts.

Landing intensive.

Slow but pervasive.

Isolative.

Hyperly destructive.

Repetitive.
4 – Pop up your meds.

Quite the opposite instead.

Blur & numb.

Probably feeling dumb.

Battles become,

A sticky gum.

Running out of luck.
5 – Fright rate.

Immensely paced.

Tolerate.

This hate.

But can’t wait.

Because it’s now bursting in flames.

In severe rage.

Profound permanent mistake.

Blood on nails.

Pain erase.

Weight gain.

Eating shame.

Mind equates.

Brutal hails.

Monsters made.

Brain opiate.

But still functioning to terminate.
2 – Hate me.

Because you’re out of my league.

Ripping my skin presently.

Reject your greed.

Unexpected needs.

Down on my knees.

But you’re out of my league.

So hate me.

Hate me now, please.

Because you’re out of my league.

6 – Futile.

Reptile.

Terrified.

Losing every fight.

Blades occupy.

To decide.

Depth of the pile.

Boiling & bubbling inside.

Craving it to stay alive.

Lost sight.

Mortified.

Pressuring shine.

Piercing the eyes.

Seduction rise.

Begin the ride.

Individualized.

Secretly, quietly, contain the size.

Put on your mask of disguise.

And say this to you, leave me blind.

Like a broken string of a kite.

Written by P.S 

Filled With Fat

Perfect is illusion.

1 – Don’t you understand? 

What fills you is fat. 

Godamn. 

Do what you can,  

Just overcome this expand.

With what you have.

Don’t you understand? 

Godamn. 

What fills you is fat.

 

2 – Prepare the mice. 

It will all serve right. 

Until the price. 

Is what we get to describe. 

Too easily to get bribed. 

Too easily madness drives. 

Insane enough that multiples. 

 

3 – Ruining your skin. 

This fat just begins. 

To cover up your shit.

The void is from within.

That needs to be filled. 

Or else it will just stay there like filth. 

Until that, crazy bitch will wipe off my grin.

And will start to feed my mind & my free will.

Slowly she would make me ill. 

Silently she would sit still.

Till her time is at peak and I must be killed. 

On peripheries of numerous thrills.

 

4 – Sleepy, not able to concentrate. 

I still need to lose a few more of my weight. 

But now I’m unable to get my head straight. 

It’s always the blame game. 

Haunting me again & again. 

Nights filled with severe stomach pain. 

Still starving because there’s no other way. 

I still need to lose a few more of my weight. 

Now when I even face food my thoughts run insane. 

Punished by myself by dragging a blade. 

Just to end that shame. 

I turned open, depression’s gate.

And blades became my addiction that never could be explained. 

 

1 – Don’t you understand? 

What fills you is fat. 

Godamn. 

Do what you can,  

Just overcome this expand.

With what you have.

Don’t you understand? 

Godamn. 

What fills you is fat.

Written By P.S 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mind Slave

I am a slave to my own vile mind.

Loss of mind control. Instead the mind controls.

1 – It was a pleasure living with you.

Lying is what all you made me do.

But now you’re inside of me.

Shouting loud so I could obey all your deeds.

Head full & plates empty.

Cussing friend nagging at me.

What all you can do to make me?

Shattered, broken & insane mentally.
2 – Eat up your loneliness for your only breakfast.

Spending the day in guilt for the meal you ate just.

Eat up your own bloody miseries.

Live upto the standards inside that’s yelling me to be.

Disordered lifestyle.

Scarce fights.

Relapsing again after saying I’m fine.

Motivation to recovery being denied.
3 – Torturous thoughts.

Piling up like a fucking storm.

Give up, give in or give it all.

Whatevers left & what’s all you’ve got.

Tears roll down in fucking silence.

Confused & afraid facing your own worst nightmares.

Help comes in many different ways.

Acceptance of help is itself a big challenge to take.

Even if you get better & maintain your healthy shape.

Chances to relapse always remain.

Which can make you to absolutely degrade.
4 – CHOICES.

VIBES.

A LIVING SLAVE TO A MONSTROUS MIND.

Ripping up whatevers present inside.

You may call it a disease but it’s my life.

Lock & load.

Almost safe to secure.

There’s only one way this story could go.

Voices winning the battles you never ever chose for.

Controlling you between the spaces of your only hopes.

Written by P.S 

Depths Of Suffering

Shadows haunt you.

1 – A war constant against myself.

Can’t find ways to defend.

This demon inside which has possessed.

Making me feel totally helpless.

When I starve, I feel like I’ve achieved a lot.

But certainly paid a very very high cost.

Contributing further to my own personal degrading loss.

The voices go too loud in my head.

They are all making me dead.

Stop bloody ingesting.

Run for the purging.

No matter what I eat,

I couldn’t hold it in, even while being asleep.
2 – I atlast tried hard & finally ate.

But couldn’t stand the fact of feeling full again.

In disgust I threw all the remaining food away.

Powerful voices feeding inside of me.

Hoping for a new start, a new journey.

Even after fucking recovery. 

Discovering the voices back inside of me; hard to beat.

A new truth added towards a ruined destiny.

“Go fuck yourself if you eat.”

“You bloodyshit remain guilty.”

“Without feeling kindness for yourself or sorry.”
3 – Madness as you know is alot like gravity, all it takes is a little push.

Leaving inside of you a self destructive thorny bush.

A victim to a crime totally confused.

Insanity extended functions to maximum use.

Pain accumulates to rip open the wounds.

Severely broken down through  self abuse.

Avoiding everything through being negligent to the truth.

I have lost myself to a stranger, totally fooled.
4 – Severe measures.

Took under desperation.

Persistent hate continues to bother.

Inside the mind, lingering under.

Weakened to the point of fits & seizures.

Detrimental while in starvation period.

Losing all controls on anxiety & fear.

Lying & cheating while in self denial.

Patient relapsed potential death is near.

A silent kill which no one would be able to hear.

Afraid of the voice.

That hides inside.

Dominated by an entity totally unknown.

No one would ever come to finally know.

To what exactly an individual does behind those closed doors.

It appears that a monster is in full control.

Written by P.S