Inexplicably Inevitable

1 – Seen you’ve survived.

So now let’s destroy your night.

Don’t be terrified.

I’m just here for a while.

But I’ll molest you deep from the inside.

Where you won’t be able to recognise.

That I…

Will rip you blind.

So you can carve fine.

Parallel lines.

Failed fight.

High like…

Never mind.

I’m fine.

2 – Sometimes a bubble wrap.

Is all you have.

When you’re getting smashed.

Just too FUCKING fat.

Get yourself trapped.

Kill yourself & never comeback.

Because you’re full of crap.

A monologue in total contact.

Tolerance bursts to act.
3 – Get away from me.

How can you love a freak?

Who is ought to destruct himself completely.

Isolation doesn’t feel lonely.

Sometimes it provides security.

Inexicably.

Inevitably.

Inexpressibly.

When you succeed to hurt me.

Coping becomes nasty.

But I deserve it anyways, no need!

I’m dying already.

Get away from me.

Let me act in, toxically.

Sprinting those razors atrociously.

A wave of silence spreading softly.
Written By P.S. ‘PATIENT’ Stan.

The Quiet Borderline 

Why I’m always so silent. In pic (Kurt Cobain)

 1 – My body shakes.

My head aches. 

I’ve been raped. 

And I’m going to fail. 

Because mind maims. 

Bullied under shame. 

Severe self hate. 

Can’t raise. 

Voice against. 

Madness chased. 

Hidden blades.

  

2 – Fine. 

I’m alright. 

Just a lost fight.  

Blurred sight. 

Now it’s a constant drive. 

Ugly body, pathetic mind. 

Miserable life. 

Opiate eyes. 

Pain behind. 

Tears dry. 

Masked lie. 

But why? 

Anxious to die.

3 – You will be gone soon. 

And I will lock my cocoon. 

Where I will bleed my doom.

So don’t find me and get confused. 

Because suicide is now a loop.

It’s becoming my ultimate truth. 

And I just can’t choose. 

What exactly do I have to prove? 

I’ve failed everything, whatever I’ve been through. 

So don’t look. 

I am a burning book. 

Which will soon. 

Turn to ashes, erasing my proof. 

My existence is mute.

And please don’t look back. 

I’ve already planned my attack. 

I’m sitting with a gun in my hand.

So don’t look back. 

I’m already trapped. 

4 – A woman who tried. 

She took my mask of disguise. 

I painted a picture which she defined. 

Hate which made me defiled.

The misery I tried to hide. 

A disgusting smile. 

Saw my soul through my eyes.

Withering ride.

But I, 

Left her because I, deserve to die. 

The quiet borderline. 

About to pull the trigger…grip on the gun; tight.

The Quiet Borderline.

Who never shined.

Is now terrorised.

Afraid to stay alive.

The Quiet Borderline.

Alone in night.

Jumped down from a height.

The Quiet Borderline.

Written By ‘PATIENT’ Stan.

Meaning – I wrote this to describe quiet borderline personality. Which is quite psychotically more self destructive because a typical BPD sufferer would exhibit acting out, where as a a quiet one will act in. Inducing pain upon themselves. They get unnoticed and it’s sometimes too late for them. 

It’s story about a guy who is struggling from such inner turmoil that he thinks he doesn’t deserve anyone in his life. He gets frightened when people try to get too close to him. He just maintains his distance and avoids contact. He’s sensitive about his scars. But not comfortable in his skin as people keep reminding him to pull his sleeves down. Providing him successfull nostalgia of misery & shame. He feels things intensely and that’s why hate getting attached to someone because he knows it will be a rollercoaster of agonising pain. He’s suicidal and thinks he deserves to die.

Fear And Loathing

The mind kills people when depression is on a full time job.

Losing all.

Slowly deform.

It’s your job.

To erase your cause.

Aggression faught.

Precisely called.

Self harm born.

Destructive thoughts.

Can’t control.

Mind vindictiveness propose.

Drag the blade, it’s the cure.

Fading anger, pain pure.

Silenced shore.

Dripping more.

Blood on the floor.

Lose control.

Closed doors.

Failing pattern.

Relapsing flattens.

Total motivation.

Starving purification.

Perverse addictions,

Slaughtering medications.

Anaesthetic sensation.

Survival negation.

An unfortunate situation.

Craving the sensation.

Failed distractions.

Mind distortion.

Fear & loathing progression.

Futile life destruction.

Written by P.S ‘PATIENT Stan’

A Self Harmer Never Forgets

Everyone matters

1 – Swallowed a pill.

Thinking this might be it.

A cure to this shit.

But it all never quits.

Scars left behind on skin.

Stayed clean for a bit.

But how much it will?

Take a second to drill.

Crave for pain to ease the hit.

Losing senses to become ill.

Relapsing agility turns out to be quick.
2 – A society of values without standards.

Losing faith in humanity as they’re all torturous.

Finding the exactly right purpose,

To live in such a world that hates to curse.

Like a broken glass everybody tries to make it worse.

Sick with the overall mental outcome.

Burning the so called lively emotions.

If you can’t properly function.

Whats the point to stay alive for infinite complications.

Some deal it with cutting to help them recover.

But it’s not all for attention.

It becomes a pure vicious addiction.
3 – Bullying the powerless.

It’s not we’re unfortunates.

We have just diminished senses.

So often we are left in helplessness.

Even if we fail to pretend.

Our character greatly represents.

That you would find it nowhere else.

A brain chemistry like of a cheated.

4 – Reality turned us to use our heart less.

On top of that we have adapted to every test.

But the mind is like a mob’s fest.

Surely it soon forgets.

On the ways of how we can defend.

Even from ourselves.

Then a suicidal self loathing is dressed.

After a number of years of harassments.

When there are no vital signs & left with only blank-ness. 

The build up of death seems harmless.

And we take our lives to give it a rest.

The pain inside which makes us deaf.

Rotting insides finally put to an end.

Like scars, like memories, words & silent screams, are something that a self harmer never forgets.

They run wild inside his mind over & over & over again.

Erasing the controlling puppets.

Addicted to a blade that is pressed.

Against the chest.

Thoughts run wild inside his mind over & over & over again.

Questioning itself & it’s existence.

Like scars, like memories, words & silent screams, are something that a self harmer never forgets.
Written By P.S (PATIENT Stan)

In memory of the lost souls & the ones who harm themselves (You’re all precious to me and I love you all), dedicated to them.

 

We’re all in this together. Let’s try atleast.
Biggest misconception. Relapsing is not a failure. You tried and that’s enough.

Mind Slave

I am a slave to my own vile mind.

Loss of mind control. Instead the mind controls.

1 – It was a pleasure living with you.

Lying is what all you made me do.

But now you’re inside of me.

Shouting loud so I could obey all your deeds.

Head full & plates empty.

Cussing friend nagging at me.

What all you can do to make me?

Shattered, broken & insane mentally.
2 – Eat up your loneliness for your only breakfast.

Spending the day in guilt for the meal you ate just.

Eat up your own bloody miseries.

Live upto the standards inside that’s yelling me to be.

Disordered lifestyle.

Scarce fights.

Relapsing again after saying I’m fine.

Motivation to recovery being denied.
3 – Torturous thoughts.

Piling up like a fucking storm.

Give up, give in or give it all.

Whatevers left & what’s all you’ve got.

Tears roll down in fucking silence.

Confused & afraid facing your own worst nightmares.

Help comes in many different ways.

Acceptance of help is itself a big challenge to take.

Even if you get better & maintain your healthy shape.

Chances to relapse always remain.

Which can make you to absolutely degrade.
4 – CHOICES.

VIBES.

A LIVING SLAVE TO A MONSTROUS MIND.

Ripping up whatevers present inside.

You may call it a disease but it’s my life.

Lock & load.

Almost safe to secure.

There’s only one way this story could go.

Voices winning the battles you never ever chose for.

Controlling you between the spaces of your only hopes.

Written by P.S 

Depths Of Suffering

Shadows haunt you.

1 – A war constant against myself.

Can’t find ways to defend.

This demon inside which has possessed.

Making me feel totally helpless.

When I starve, I feel like I’ve achieved a lot.

But certainly paid a very very high cost.

Contributing further to my own personal degrading loss.

The voices go too loud in my head.

They are all making me dead.

Stop bloody ingesting.

Run for the purging.

No matter what I eat,

I couldn’t hold it in, even while being asleep.
2 – I atlast tried hard & finally ate.

But couldn’t stand the fact of feeling full again.

In disgust I threw all the remaining food away.

Powerful voices feeding inside of me.

Hoping for a new start, a new journey.

Even after fucking recovery. 

Discovering the voices back inside of me; hard to beat.

A new truth added towards a ruined destiny.

“Go fuck yourself if you eat.”

“You bloodyshit remain guilty.”

“Without feeling kindness for yourself or sorry.”
3 – Madness as you know is alot like gravity, all it takes is a little push.

Leaving inside of you a self destructive thorny bush.

A victim to a crime totally confused.

Insanity extended functions to maximum use.

Pain accumulates to rip open the wounds.

Severely broken down through  self abuse.

Avoiding everything through being negligent to the truth.

I have lost myself to a stranger, totally fooled.
4 – Severe measures.

Took under desperation.

Persistent hate continues to bother.

Inside the mind, lingering under.

Weakened to the point of fits & seizures.

Detrimental while in starvation period.

Losing all controls on anxiety & fear.

Lying & cheating while in self denial.

Patient relapsed potential death is near.

A silent kill which no one would be able to hear.

Afraid of the voice.

That hides inside.

Dominated by an entity totally unknown.

No one would ever come to finally know.

To what exactly an individual does behind those closed doors.

It appears that a monster is in full control.

Written by P.S 

Suicidal Groove

Both are fatal together. It’s like drinking a glass full of venom.

Look what you’ve done.

Scars they’ve become. 

Pain formation. 

As the depression. 

Strikes and triggers. 

Straight lines you’ve written. 

All over your body to numb. 

My heart it dosen’t beat, it thumps. 

Afraid that I might again fuck up.

 

Anxieties. 

Slowly felt as night creeps. 

What should I do for my destiny? 

I don’t have an idea what I might be. 

Failure seems.

All I have been. 

Damaged permanently. 

Destroying me. 

Slowly and completely. 

A mind that seeks. 

Self hatred beliefs. 

 

I am confused. 

What should I do? 

I am dumb, a big fool. 

Everythings to prove. 

That I can’t escape the loop. 

Pretending that I would. 

But I really can’t, I should.

Escape from a move. 

Suicidal groove. 

I am chaos, is the truth. 

Digging deeper with fruits. 

That are already rotten in mood. 

 

Thoughts to ruin. 

Inner hell shooting. 

Brain confusing. 

Illusion booming.

Reality frightening. 

Painfully living. 

Hopelessly surviving. 

One day I might be ending. 

All of the losing. 

Lost wars deepening. 

Shadows of feelings. 

Negatively dealing. 

Totally Enganging.

Into cutting.

Towards one more; rushing.

Mark of the blade sweeping. 

Blood flowing. 

Relief gaining. 

Nerves bleeding. 

Suicidal grooving. 

 

I am confused. 

What should I do? 

I am dumb, a big fool. 

Everythings to prove. 

That I can’t escape the loop. 

Pretending that I would. 

But I really can’t, I should.

Escape from a move. 

Suicidal groove. 

Written by P.S 

The equation automatically fucks up your present. What is good then? Answer: NOTHING IS.