There is light even in the most darkest places.

(L To R) – Snehil, Pragya, Sanjoly.

Snehil, to be honest, I can’t even imagine my life without you. You are more than just a kind, loving, compassionate, saving human being. You stand above all of these qualities for me personally. You saw something inside me and never ever judged me for the inner turmoil I felt. If you would’ve not come in time to save me I would’ve ended it already. Yes it is absolutely true because I was in a very bad place at that moment in my life. I was not even sure if I would’ve made it or not. But all I knew was I was about to give up already. In fact I did.

In all honesty it was Sanjoly who started to notice things wrong with me. She immidietly reached to you and spun your attention towards me. So I’m a lot thankful to her as well. The day was enraged filled with bouts of psychotic madness which smashed me down to my knees. I reached a new number. A ‘number of sessions‘, I say, whilst Self harming. (8); every session, my nazi rules made me go deeper in to my flesh. This was that day. And night? Oh well I figured it was all in my mind. I had already planned to do whatever it took to kill myself. I had already begun waiting also, for everyone to fall asleep so I can silently do it.

But in the evening you called me up. You were worried, concerned and most of all what you managed to do was put a cancel button on that vicious plan of mine. When I had absolutely nothing to look forward to, you gave me a word, that you’re going to come visit me tomorrow, before even that dark night progressed further. I had to reconnect, I clearly needed it but I was too confused to ask for it. As I thought I’m being a burden, an attention seeker or too much demanding. These thoughts ceased me from even talking to anyone. But that word you gave me the night before made me survive that night somehow. My plan was quite drastically taken, I had hidden huge sharp razor blades and more than 3 fistful of pills so that I could overdose on it if nothing worked out for me. Yes, I, in all honesty, didn’t want to be saved and as a matter of fact, I seriously wanted my survival rate to be 0%, after I attempt. I didn’t want to make it, so I had to opt for multiple choices. Just like giving an exam of some sort.

So the next day you came in the morning itself, checked my cuts because you knew I had obviously cut more. But after that you made sure that I was never left alone. You watched over me, held my back in my most vulnerably lowest point of time in my life. Not even that, you took me to ROPIO – Reach out and pass it on foundation(NGO), so that I could engage with kids over there. See their innocence and find some innocence in me too. Also, you searched me and took away my blades. No one ever did that. Meeting the kids over there helped me a lot to cope with my passive intrusive, provoking, suicidal thoughts. After coming back from the (NGO), it was like a transformation for me, I threw away those big sharp razors and finally flushed the cocktail of pills down the toilet. I was becoming strong & hopeful just because of you.

The most stigmatised thing about mental health issues like depression & suicide, is that most will say they get it clearly or understand it. But most don’t. Most don’t even know the D of depression. The persistent downers you get, suffering from severe depression. It lingers around for weeks, sometimes months or sometimes even years; which remains and goes unnoticed to everyone. Until the sufferer has enough of it and progresses to suicide. Suicide is a built up of a lot of things, it is a powerful wave of severe despair. Depression and Anxiety are remaining strong for far too long. It’s simple, if you haven’t tried taking your own life or have battled chronic illness by yourself, all alone, you will never get it crystal clearly. Not even in a million years.

Yes I was one of them. It was nothing like I was Hannah Baker from 13 reasons why. Who ultimately played & took on the blame game as to support her suicide notes or reasons for ending her own life. I feel that it is just some other form of revenge. Which is totally absurd. This wasn’t some television/online series, this was my actual bitter, contaminated reality. Suicide is much more than everyone thinks or perceives it to be. It is too deep & intense. Ever tried writing a suicide note? Or even read one? Suicide is not selfish. Not at all. When that wave hits you, it makes you go totally blind. Moreover you don’t even care about how many people are there, care for you or love you. Mental illnesses don’t give a damn about anything. PERIOD!!! What you’ll see is that the sufferers talk some things commonly about in their suicide notes or those who battle suicidal thoughts regularly, that are :- 

1. Losing battles with his/her own personal demons. You lose control over regulating your own thoughts and when the vessel gets filled with such thoughts, you lose control over your own emotions & actions as well. 

2. Hopelessness and helplessness always breaking their will power Time & time again.

3. Feelings of shame & guilt to even talk about this to anyone.

4. The only way to end their pain because it was too much for them. It’s like your subconscious is aware and it’s desperately saying to you that, “please don’t do it”, but that subconscious is shut down by the screaming agony of your own mind that gives up on you and convinces you to take your own life.

5. Feeling absolutely worthless & guilty to even exist. Being a burden to everyone around you.

6. Feelings of extreme loneliness even when you have really close attachments.

7. Voices inside that are constantly shouting to take their own lives. Motivation, dreams, hopes, joys, memories are replaced by anger, fear, misery, pain & shame or even disgust sometimes.

8. Could not survive further. Battles that are turning them weaker every passing day. It feels like being stuck in swamps, no matter how hard you try and move on, nothing seems to convince you that you’re even worth living.

9. Breathing becomes heavy or suffocating. Nothing matters, not even you. It feels like the world would be a much better place without your existence.

10. Exhausted & tired every single time because you feel mentally drained, battling negative thoughts; miserable feeling of being dead inside or completely empty. A mind that tries to die with a body that tries to survive. 

Snehil, You took away my hopelessness and not only me, but my own Mother’s as well. My precious mother, it broke & shattered my heart to see her feel helpless just because of me. You spoke to her and to this date I still don’t know what exactly you talked to her about. But she felt quite relieved after you walked in and took charge of me. You were of more than just a help to us. This is the sole reason as to why my own parents speak so highly of you whenever your name is heard or mentioned anywhere.

You made me talk to, open up to your own Mother, when I couldn’t even open to or speak to my own Mother. In a manner, that she wanted me to. Most people who are deep inside the abyss of depression are quite hidden, isolative, secretive, shame filled and they always talk on top layers in conversations, never revealing anything, at any price; because deep down they’re afraid or even feel guilty for experiencing such baffling, intricate emotions incessantly. When you made me open up to your Mother, I was quite shocked and didn’t even knew as a friend that you had such a psych, a unique mindset that you posses.

(L – R) Snehil S. Bhadauria, Sunita Bhadauria MAA (Middle), ‘PATIENT’ Stan (P.S)

Through you only I met pulchritudionous souls, Sanjoly & Pragya. You practically introduced these guys to me. Because of you, I yet again reached out for getting professional help and resumed with my therapy which I left earlier. I can never be thankful enough to you. Because of you I’m here, still alive, breathing, a living proof of an inseparable bond that exceeds even the bestest or strongest of friendship or brotherhood or even any romantic/soul/heart connection, contemporarily. How can I repay you? In all reality, I never really can, I never could, there’s absolutely nothing that will do it. You are my HEART ❤, homie!, you pulled my soul and caressed my pain. You will always be my light in the most darkest places.

I LOVE YOU HOMEBOY

YOU’RE MY LIFE BECAUSE YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

Happy Birthday Love.

‘PATIENT’ Stan (P.S)

Post Script :- .

FAMILY❤
Snehil, Pragya, Sanjoly (Nostalgic/Best Spot) (MCS)
PRAGYA (With Frequencies Of Mother Nature)

Thanks a lot again PRAGYA, for taking on the whole burden & pain to look at all of the surprises that I’ve lined it up for him personally.  You were of a lot of help. Not to forget that you’re not here but even after being super busy, you took some of your most valuable & precious time from your busy schedule. Your support, even you won’t remember this, when I struggled alot back then, your wise words & kind messages strengthened my core and made my gut feel so neutral. Similar to an excellent, effective ayurveda. A natural remedy. “One kind word can warm three winter months.” (Japanese Proverb) Down to Earth and humble as always dear.

SANJOLY (Post Exam Relief At It’s Best)

SANJOLY, believing in me always. Even when I thought not so highly of me. Always a positive motivator to push me forward at any costs. A mentor. Never doubting me or my efforts at recovering. Never rejecting me and always being helpful however possible. Not to forget even having sleeping issues you arranged a get together all by yourself. Really? For real you have such a soft, kind, gentle & of course understanding heart, girl! That was really awesome, a few moments with good company is all I was lacking. That made me feel so special and on top of the universe. You did it!!! Please never guilt yourself in not being such a good friend, you mean so much to me than you think you actually are. When someone asks me to define true beauty inside & out, I sincerely & proudly give them your example. I feel honored to have you as my friend.

MAA (That Warm Glow With The Best Smile)

SUNITA BHADAURIA (MAA), For making me open up to you. Talking to you was probably the highest point I felt in my so down life. You’ve raised a kid with some exceptionally empathetic human emotions which most people today lack. Providing me with your warmth & comfort. Treating me like your own kid and understanding me every single time. Welcoming me in your gentle heart filled with abundant love. I love you as my own Mother. One soul that saw my pain and applied lotion to reduce that burning sensation of hopelessness I felt.

SNEHIL (HOMEBOY)❤

SNEHIL, for always having my back. Watching me over and never leaving me alone in my most darkest time. You’re my strength in this cruel/violent world. You showed me the way, you clinged onto me even when I made mistakes and you finally became my light. You are indeed my light. You became one, when I saw no rays of hope. 

Thank you Guys (You’re all, always in my everyday positive thoughts. I miss you guys so so sooo much). I humbly request you all to never forget me from your busy lives. You all reside deep in my heart & mind; and are also sculpted into my soul with some really really sensitive, ecstatic memories. 

Thank You For Never Giving Up On Me.

THERE IS LIGHT EVEN IN THE MOST DARKEST PLACES.

‘PATIENT’ Stan (P.S)

Inexplicably Inevitable

1 – Seen you’ve survived.

So now let’s destroy your night.

Don’t be terrified.

I’m just here for a while.

But I’ll molest you deep from the inside.

Where you won’t be able to recognise.

That I…

Will rip you blind.

So you can carve fine.

Parallel lines.

Failed fight.

High like…

Never mind.

I’m fine.

2 – Sometimes a bubble wrap.

Is all you have.

When you’re getting smashed.

Just too FUCKING fat.

Get yourself trapped.

Kill yourself & never comeback.

Because you’re full of crap.

A monologue in total contact.

Tolerance bursts to act.
3 – Get away from me.

How can you love a freak?

Who is ought to destruct himself completely.

Isolation doesn’t feel lonely.

Sometimes it provides security.

Inexicably.

Inevitably.

Inexpressibly.

When you succeed to hurt me.

Coping becomes nasty.

But I deserve it anyways, no need!

I’m dying already.

Get away from me.

Let me act in, toxically.

Sprinting those razors atrociously.

A wave of silence spreading softly.
Written By P.S. ‘PATIENT’ Stan.

Don’t Know

Humane.
Recognizably failed.

To cease the pain.

Slaughter to fulfill the shame.

Begin the game.

Dehumanized.

Now left with dead insides.

My last ray of hope.

It is now a rope.

Suicidal Notes.

Looping jolts.

Pinching cold.

All over like before.

Intensely more.

This time chose.

Misery rose.

Vulgar cope.

Sober gore.

Deep in hole.

And I clearly don’t know.

No one can love me.

No one deserves a freak.

I am my own worst enemy.

And internalized anger bursts immediately.

Out on the skin efficiently.

Raped brutally.

Bleeding mercilessly.

End this symphony.

End this misery.

Don’t want life anymore, seriously.

And I don’t know how else to deal.
Written by P.S.

The Quiet Borderline 

Why I’m always so silent. In pic (Kurt Cobain)

 1 – My body shakes.

My head aches. 

I’ve been raped. 

And I’m going to fail. 

Because mind maims. 

Bullied under shame. 

Severe self hate. 

Can’t raise. 

Voice against. 

Madness chased. 

Hidden blades.

  

2 – Fine. 

I’m alright. 

Just a lost fight.  

Blurred sight. 

Now it’s a constant drive. 

Ugly body, pathetic mind. 

Miserable life. 

Opiate eyes. 

Pain behind. 

Tears dry. 

Masked lie. 

But why? 

Anxious to die.

3 – You will be gone soon. 

And I will lock my cocoon. 

Where I will bleed my doom.

So don’t find me and get confused. 

Because suicide is now a loop.

It’s becoming my ultimate truth. 

And I just can’t choose. 

What exactly do I have to prove? 

I’ve failed everything, whatever I’ve been through. 

So don’t look. 

I am a burning book. 

Which will soon. 

Turn to ashes, erasing my proof. 

My existence is mute.

And please don’t look back. 

I’ve already planned my attack. 

I’m sitting with a gun in my hand.

So don’t look back. 

I’m already trapped. 

4 – A woman who tried. 

She took my mask of disguise. 

I painted a picture which she defined. 

Hate which made me defiled.

The misery I tried to hide. 

A disgusting smile. 

Saw my soul through my eyes.

Withering ride.

But I, 

Left her because I, deserve to die. 

The quiet borderline. 

About to pull the trigger…grip on the gun; tight.

The Quiet Borderline.

Who never shined.

Is now terrorised.

Afraid to stay alive.

The Quiet Borderline.

Alone in night.

Jumped down from a height.

The Quiet Borderline.

Written By ‘PATIENT’ Stan.

Meaning – I wrote this to describe quiet borderline personality. Which is quite psychotically more self destructive because a typical BPD sufferer would exhibit acting out, where as a a quiet one will act in. Inducing pain upon themselves. They get unnoticed and it’s sometimes too late for them. 

It’s story about a guy who is struggling from such inner turmoil that he thinks he doesn’t deserve anyone in his life. He gets frightened when people try to get too close to him. He just maintains his distance and avoids contact. He’s sensitive about his scars. But not comfortable in his skin as people keep reminding him to pull his sleeves down. Providing him successfull nostalgia of misery & shame. He feels things intensely and that’s why hate getting attached to someone because he knows it will be a rollercoaster of agonising pain. He’s suicidal and thinks he deserves to die.

EAT (Enemy At Therapy)

Enemy Within.

No options.

Failed verifications.

In conclusion.

No questions.

Purging actions.

Bleeding preparations.
Lines of meth.

Self destructive test.

A confined measurement.

Absurdity fed.

Addictive threat.

Kill the help.

Of rehab shed.

Insanity progress.

Happiness theft.

Misery left.

Nothing felt.

Loneliness dealt.

Blades become best friends.

Oo don’t care about yourself.

 I hate me and my existence.

Shame won’t tolerate my presence.

I want to kill myself.
I can’t ever be loved.

Because I am too much.

I self destruct.

Cut my hands to feel numb.

I was played around with my trust.

Mind fucked.

Bad luck?

Absolutely rust.

Rage burst.

Ripping deep for fun.

Dimensions spun.

Crave is a wave of lust.

And you must.

Get it done.
Just for once tell me.

How many?

Benzodiazepine,

Would it take get me relieved.

Insanity feeds.

Mental disease.

Confidence depletes.

A rush when weak.

Felt when stomach is totally empty.

Critically.

Irregularity.

In variety.

It’s totally foul.

Hateful doubts.

Kilos of cocaine, nose drowned.

Black out.

Falling down.

On the ground.

Bleeding skin and dehydrated mouth.

Written by P.S ‘PATIENT Stan’

Fear And Loathing

The mind kills people when depression is on a full time job.

Losing all.

Slowly deform.

It’s your job.

To erase your cause.

Aggression faught.

Precisely called.

Self harm born.

Destructive thoughts.

Can’t control.

Mind vindictiveness propose.

Drag the blade, it’s the cure.

Fading anger, pain pure.

Silenced shore.

Dripping more.

Blood on the floor.

Lose control.

Closed doors.

Failing pattern.

Relapsing flattens.

Total motivation.

Starving purification.

Perverse addictions,

Slaughtering medications.

Anaesthetic sensation.

Survival negation.

An unfortunate situation.

Craving the sensation.

Failed distractions.

Mind distortion.

Fear & loathing progression.

Futile life destruction.

Written by P.S ‘PATIENT Stan’

S.A.S.H (Swimming After Self Harm)

Floating

1 – Make up, mirrors.

Silent killers.

A norm to fit better.

Why is our perception?

Fails when it assures vague redemption.

But that is just torture.

Weakened to surrender.

Words additionally pressures.

Destructive, vigorous measures.
2 – Cold blade.

Suffering pain.

Brutally maimed.

External hate.

Emotional drain.

Absurdily deranged.

On the face.

Slapped with hate.

Blood remains.

Suffering is just an escape.

Reality that you’ve framed.

But you’re just a waste.

Thoughts race.

Self evaluate.
3 – Isolate.

Pain induces escape.

Accept it that you’re afraid.

To live ahead is just not your way.

Suicidal rage.

Mind phase.

Considered again.

Nothing’s the same.

Erase your name.

Your existence, slowly fades.

So why not burn out in that case.

Tried to face.

Fear trembling in my veins.

Skin itching craves.

It’s the biggest mistake.

Picking up the razor sharp blade.

It’s shine seduced me & left me deranged.

Swimming after every cut made.

Blood cascades.

Seized up brain.

Numb the weight.

Dirty game.

Failed 

Written by P.S.